THE BOOTY CALL CONTRACT

This Booty Call Contract (hereinafter referred to as the Contract)
is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2004, by
_______________, between _____________ and ___________.

THIS CONTRACT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over--unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM--we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit--only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions-- Ex.: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance--that is why you are called the "back-up,"
unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time, advanced-arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted--money is always good.
8. No baby talk--however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers--it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges"--we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK--don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing--I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex--it's over, so get your ass up and go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it--I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style preferred--just hit it hard and right or get the hell out.
18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want to look at you, just fuck you.
19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME--so don't keep calling.

*** EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS***

The aforementioned rules may be altered by the holder of the contract. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this contract, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list, BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating partners:
Signature: ______________________
Date:

How to Tell You're GAY

1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you're gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming Fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-dummies, boiled lollies or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks stubbies, shots, bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, cray-fish guts, pickled eggs, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a Fag.

4. If you refuse to have a shit in a public toilet or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. A real man will shoot, shit, sleep where ever he likes.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee has to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim or with a twist of lemon" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick in there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out a free pass to your arse. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the NFL, NBA, NHL and Nascar. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it... you're hungry for man sausage. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at slow-arse drivers or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the bitch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or talk on his cell phone.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules and beware. Or keep that shit to yourself, you flaming faggot!

9. If your name is Neil, Dallas, Gavin, Gregory, Brett, Bruce, Craig, Kyle, Andrew, Robert, Laurie/Larry/Lawrence, Aaron, James, Howie, Phil, Jeffrey, Miser, Damian, Terry, Matthew or Luke, then stop living in denial. You're a dung punching arse bandit from way back and everyone knows it.

There's muh girl. On the phone. Signs of things to come? Chicks...tsk tsk.

Monday is almost done.... Thank God

Here's the Top Ten Cutest Kitties in the world.

Archipelago. A flash game. Give it a whirl. Let me know if you're able to finish it.

John Titor's story. Read everything. Including the links on the left. I'm half convinced. Whatcha think? Are you?

Now THIS is damned scary.....

Won't you look sweet, upon a seat, of a toilet built for two.

Uhhhhh.....No clue.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo.......

Castlevania, anyone?

Google. Circa 1960....

What kind of Kiss am I? Dominant baybeeeee

You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

A Diamond is Forever

50 mulitplied by 60...uh.. carry the, uh, 3.... what's 0 times 0?

"I wish for a big, hairy beaver...... ;) "

Halloooo Jelloooo

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1337 Keyboard

Goatse.cx - Classic.

Confucious Say..........

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Just call me...... Agent Smith.

I miss my lil monkey :(

Tuesday, mofo's

As mentioned, it was my birthday this past Friday. All the boys came over and we had a blast. Come Saturday night, what did I do? Partied even harder. Went out to the club, then house partied at my sister's. What a weekend. Oh, and congrats to my cousin Brandon. He knows what I'm talkin bout. ;) What a life we live.

I haven't gotten anywhere near completing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, but soon to come out is Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. It looks pretty awesome. Here's some interesting tidbits about it.

Now THIS is damned funny! (Adults Only Please) Don't you just hate it when that happens?

ALWAYS CoCa CoLa! (Adults Only Please)

By the way, do let me know if any links I post goes dead.

Any takers?

FYI

Finished watching Big Brother 5 a little while ago. Looks like it's gonna be a very good season, btw. Anyways, I decide to celebrate the excellent season opener by having a great big crap. All went well, thankyouforasking. But... now the smell is permeating throughout the house. Cripes. Now it's a known fact that people don't mind, nay, enjoy their own brand of odor. But this stench takes the cake. I can't take it. Now I know what others go through when I let one rip... Woe is me...

Psst. Wanna see my desktop? Check it out...

I'm kinda hungry.... What to eat, what to eat.... Hey! Stay away from my noodles!

Hey, it's a parade! Yay!

Well, I'm tired. Time for bed. Ciao for now.

Tee Vee - Go 'Way

TV on. Must watch. You go watch, too. The Amazing Race 5 premieres, and so does Big Brother 5. Let's hear it for reality TV. Now... I'm off to watch. I suggest you do the same.

My LiL Small, peeking. :D

My pride, my joy.

This one's for ADULTS ONLY. Kids, go to bed.

I don't want know your name. All I want BANGBANGBANG!

This link is just a little bit disturbing, to say the least.

Just a few Playmates for the boys. Enjoy.

Who doesn't enjoy a good camel toe?

And who among us doesn't enjoy a good game of Solitaire?

This one is... ah...I'd have to call it... hmmm.. well it's... I dunno what the hell to say. You decide.

God Bless America!

WTF? Click on the thumbnails to see larger image... If you really want to.

Ooopsie doodles!!

That's it for now. See y'all on the other side.

Here is my little baby girl, Celeste. She's 16 months old.

Yeah, that ain't me, by the way

Friday Night House Party. Apparently.

So, it's my birthday Friday, right? Payday, I might add. I tell the boys at work, and of course, that means party time. So before I know it, they got it allll planned out. After work, say around 7 pm or so, they're coming over. Bringing with them plenty o' booze, and loads of Kentucky Fried Chicken. A stripper was mentioned by someone, but I mean come on, 200 bucks for 20 minutes of teasing? I think not. For 200 bucks I could get me a high quality call girl for an hour (like that would happen, so don't even think it). So anyways, they figure porn and poker are the way to go. I ask myself, is this a birthday bash or a bachelor party? Cripes.

What ever happened to the days of cake and presents and the celebration of one's birth? Does that end when you turn 18 years of age? When you're a kid, you're all happy that you're one year older. But once you hit the big one-eight, it's time to hit the bottle... You're getting old... You've hit that peak and your body begins it's long journey to death... It's your birthday? Drink up my friend. Have one on me. I'm so sorry...

ANYwho, anyone and everyone is invited to come Friday night, if you read this. The night is not set in stone. We may just go out as well. Who knows. All you gotta know is there's gonna be booze. Nuff Said.

The Governator

A Non-Smoker's Rant

I'm serious. The governments of the world should forget about the cheesy war in Iraq and talk about something that actually matters - declaring Earth a non-smoking planet. Why? Because cancer and an angry ozone layer fail to create a delightful combination, let alone all the other reasons why smoking is stupid - trash, smelly people, and self esteem (for people who smoke to fit in [fucking dorks]).

Think about it. You've been smoking for several years and you've finally been diagnosed with cancer and the smog index is high in your area. What do you think is going to happen? You got it. You're a dead motherfucker now Leroy. According to The Truth web site, “smoking kills more people than AIDS, murder, suicide, fires, alcohol and all illegal drugs combined.” Calculate the numbers yourself then add one, because you have to make sure you count yourself...if you're a smoker. Subtract one if you're a non smoker.

I don’t understand why people smoke because it’s disgusting. I decided I wasn’t going to smoke once I read what the Surgeon General had to say about how cigarette smoking causes cancer. If that isn’t enough to scare one away from a pathetic habit, I don’t know what is. Maybe people can’t comprehend the seriousness of a disease that eats humans alive.

Cigarette smoke resembles the smell of symbolic diarrhea. I hate when people smoke just moments before entering work or class because they smell terrible. The stale, foul odor lingers disgustingly across the horizon of the room and ruins the air previously known as clean. Yes, smokers, you reek like mad.

The fact that you reek isn’t the worst thing about you. Your lack of consideration for others is, and you're forever known as a retard for smoking. IQ scores don’t matter if you can’t comprehend the seriousness of cancer.

Smokers are also rude. They nonchalantly drop cigarette butts on the ground, out the window, and anywhere else they choose. They're littering. Even if ashtrays are provided in public places, the majority of the smoking fools still litter. If only smokers would be fined for this ridiculous amount of littering. For example, Bobby lung cancer smokes 20 cigs a day and throws them all on the ground or out his car window. The average littering penalty is a $300.00 fine. Do the math and tell me if you're health and bankroll can handle it.

On top of the fines I wish would occur, I can't even walk into a work/class building without having to venture through a cloud of airy phlegm. Even worse, I can't walk from one building to another without being Nascar'ed behind an overweight smoker that's too damn fat for me to take the inside lane.

Another concept about smoking I can never grasp is the fact that there’s an image behind it that supposedly makes smokers look cool, yet it only makes them look like bumbling idiots with emphysema sticks bopping up and down on tainted lips.

Girls who smoke are the worst. I’ve seen a few girls who were drop-dead gorgeous, but at the spark of a cheap lighter, they became "butt-ugly". And I’m sure their personality wasn’t spectacular enough to puff about either, because if they were that great of a person, they would never smoke in the first place.

In sophomoric conclusion, you're an idiot if you smoke.

It's Saturday

Whoop dee doo. Is it possible to be anymore bored? I think it is, but those that go to those depths are the ones that commit suicide. Fortunately, I have no interest at this time to commit hari kari. Oh hey, some good news.. Yeah, good news for those that get it. Cripes. Lately, I've been feelin a little raw. ANYwho, perhaps, just perhaps, I may just clean up the house today, we shall just have to see. Until next time then, I guess.

First Post

Shit if I know what to put in a frickin blog. What the hell do I gotta say? Let's see... It's now 2 days after Canada Day (wooo...) I turn 29 years old in 6 days (weee...) I am married to a beautiful young woman named Jackie. We have a gorgeous baby girl who we've named Celeste (I picked the name). Right now they're both in Missouri visiting Jackie's folks, thus the time to type down crap for whoever the hell would read this. Anyways, when I think of anything else for this, I'll be sure to put it in. Ciao for now.

Steven aka cRaZySoB