Giving Birth: A Male's Perspective

Giving Birth: A Male’s Perspective

I have a story to tell. It’s a true story, told exactly how and why it happened. Don’t ask me why I’m telling it. It’s just something to do.

Once upon a time… I ate a block of cheese. Yes, that’s right, a block of cheese. I was living with my sister in a two story house and I had the whole finished basement to myself. I was a bachelor at the time, and I also was not making a lot of money. I’m not sure why the only thing in the fridge to eat, at the time, was a block of cheese, but there I was, hungry, and nothing to eat but cheese. So I cut it up into slices, grabbed a can of Coca Cola and went to go watch some T.V.

Now, it should be known that I am not an ignorant person. Like everyone else, I took Biology in high school, and I got honors in the class. I am aware that the human body only digests about 20-30 percent of cheese consumed. I am aware that cheese is a leading cause of constipation. But I had never experienced constipation and I had always considered my stomach to have been cast in iron. Boy oh boy, was I wrong.

I ate my full of the cheese, and didn’t think about it for a few days. It was a few days later because that was when I noticed that I hadn’t had a bowel movement in three days. I noticed because there was this heaviness in my intestinal area and colon. A pressure felt whenever I sat down or got up. At this point it was uncomfortable, but I wasn’t overly concerned.

It was a week after I had the cheese that I was getting very nervous about not having “number 2.” It was a constant pressure that was building up everyday. I had tried several times to have a movement, to no avail. By this time I was envisioning nasty medicines and enemas. Just picturing a tube going up my poop chute was enough encouragement for me to keep sitting on that toilet seat for long periods of time even when it would make my butt rather sore.

The end of this story happened sometime between 9 and 14 days after eating the block of cheese. I cannot honestly remember how many days it actually was. But I do remember the last day.

I had been in some pain for days, by then. The pressure in my ass was bringing me pain where it surely does not belong. I had considered the hospital, but I was scared of what they might do. I figured this was going to be the day. Yes,this was the day of reckoning. If I did not shit on this day, then that was it, I’d go to a hospital. I walked bent over, that’s how I had been walking the last couple days, to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet seat, and I knew that I would not leave until I had the crap of my life.

I pushed and I pushed for hours, how many I’ll never know as I had lost all sense of time. I sat on that toilet and pushed. The sweat poured down my face. By this time, I was praying to the Good Lord to help me have this dump. I made so many promises to Him if He could just help me out this one time. I have no recollection of what those promises were. I was crying, all the while straining to have this shit. I was swearing profanities, damning all things cheese to hell from whence it came. My right elbow on the bathroom sink, my left hand on the bathroom wall, I pushed. I pushed until my eyes felt like they would burst out of their sockets. I had heard that trying to push out your crap was actually bad for you, and that you could get hemorrhoids, but by this time I can tell you I did not give a rat’s ass about hemorrhoids. Finally, it happened.

Something started to poke out of my anus. I knew the end was near, so I gathered up my strength and I pushed until I could push no more. I knew about the Lamaze technique of breathing, and I thought that might help. Hooo hooo heee heee, was my breathing. Whatever was coming out wasn’t small. It felt like it was growing. I could feel my asshole trying to expand. But that wasn’t the worst of it. This… thing… coming out of me, felt like it was concrete. Not the nice and smooth kind, either, oh no. It felt rock hard, rough, with sharp points all over it, and it was oh so big. It was only after that I found out that it was making me bleed. My tears mixed with my sweat as it dripped off my face, and I kept pushing. Maybe half way, I just stopped. I had to catch my breath, I had to refocus on the task at hand. I had to gather myself to concentrate on the toughest trial my body had ever gone through. I felt so alone at that moment. Me, alone, sitting on the toilet, my feet on tip toes, my hands holding myself up on the wall and sink, my ass stretched out so obscenely, so unnaturally. I pushed. With a huge splash that soaked my ass and balls, it fell. The sudden release of pressure and pain almost made me faint. I almost collapsed right there and then on my toilet. I sat there for an unknown amount of time whispering, “Thank you….thank you…”

And that is the story of how I gave Anal Birth.

P.S. I named him Stinky.